Maybe it’s time to retire as a mind reader?
‘Twice the manager’s role came up and no one asked me to go for it.’
Okay I said. But you told me you didn’t want the job.
‘They just don’t think I’m capable enough.’
That’s one interpretation. What might be another, I asked.
‘That they know I don’t want the job.’
Maybe it’s time to retire as a mind reader?
How many times have you sat there, going over a conversation, a meeting, over and over again. Recalling what people have said to you, their behaviour or lack of it and translating it into ‘they think I’m [awful/not good enough/unkind……
Those burning feelings of shame flood your body. You shut your eyes wanting to just bloody forget about how everyone, literally everyone must think you’re just not that good.
Now you may have some deep connection with your partner or friend where a look can be translated as ‘What a dick.’ But I suspect your mind reading abilities aren’t quite as good as you think they are.
How do you know what they’re thinking about you?
The truth is no one is thinking about you that much
Research suggests that you massively overestimate the amount space you take up in others’ minds.
You may be ruminating yourself into a stupor but if you had a chat with them about what you were worried about the chances are they’d vaguely remember. Or have a completely different story to tell.
And I reckon if you really thought about this you know this stuff.
So, why, bloody why do you do it to yourself?
Your brain is ruining your life
Your brain is a Nervous Nelly.
It’s hardwired to look out for danger and one of the worst things that could happen to you is being ousted from the group.
Because way back, being rejected from the cool gang could literally get you killed.
I mean there’s no way you would have survived on your own when we were all running around naked hunting for food.
Give me a sign
Nowadays Tesco delivers over priced food to your door and whilst you may feel like running naked around the house because they’ve actually turned up on time, you are not going to die if they turn up late.
But try and tell your brain that.
You are looking for the slightest sign that they hate you, to confirm your own story that you’re not good enough.
Those shitty ruminations in your mind will go on and on so that you don’t take risks. Speak your mind, do something a bit stretchy. They keep you smaller than you really are.
Okay, so why don’t I feel like that all the time?
Well because with people you’ve worked with for a while or know well you feel safe. You know you’re not going to get rejected.
But, when the big boss is sitting around that table you feel like you’ve become a different person.
And look I know you do stretchy stuff. And I know you feel so bloody great after you’ve done it. But what’s the emotional cost of listening to that voice during the build up hey?
One small thing that you can do
Next time you catch yourself mind reading and assuming that someone is thinking negative things about you ask yourself this question:
Where’s the evidence that suggests they are thinking this about me?
The client at the beginning of this email; I asked them that question. Not only did they not have any evidence they started to talk about how several other senior people had asked them to go for the job. No one thought they were incapable.
And another small thing
Another powerful question you can ask is:
What could be another interpretation of what they [did/say/didn’t do]?
A client told me that a senior guy kept challenging her in meetings which she’d interpreted as ‘He must think I’m no good at my job.’
I said to her, other than him being an arsehole (which could be spot on), if you put yourself in his shoes what other reasons might he have for asking you lots of questions?
We came up with several. None of which had anything to do with her.
It only takes a minute…
…to challenge Nervous Nelly. Taking what she says for gospel can sap so much joy from your day to day lived experiences.
So, stick those two questions on a post it note and slap them on your screen. They work.