What Instagram taught me about acceptance

What Instagram taught me about acceptance and the bullshit of being a ‘better’ version of yourself.

For those of you on Instagram you may have noticed a slight change on how I show up on there. Maybe you haven’t. I joined Instagram for my business and started to put a lot of effort into it as COVID hit. I loved it. I rocked up, said what was on my mind that I thought might be helpful, said Hi to a few people then left it alone at the weekend.

I signed up to a few courses to learn how to market my business, followed people who were doing the same kind of thing as me and enjoyed it. 

But something happened to me over the next 18 months. My mood started to be determined by how successful a post was. I started to compare myself unfavourably with other accounts. I’d wake up mid thought spiral with ill formed ideas. This drove an unhealthy relationship with my phone but worse than that – I was ‘on’ constantly. Within a year I’d started to equate my worth with my performance on Instagram.

Guess how that made me feel?  Yep, shit.

My story isn’t unusual - I see it in friends and clients all around me where acceptance of self is conditional on some kind of idealised behaviour/performance. And it’s not our fault.

I’m here to tell you there is no better version of you out here. You are worthy, beautiful, and exceptional as you are. You always have been.

Let me explain.

What are the rules that you live by?

We all have rules or expectations of how we should behave, how others should behave and of life, generally. These are formed across our lifetime from the things we’ve learned from our parents/people in authority, experiences through life and the things we observe around us (books, TV, social media etc.). They arise out of the identities we’ve assumed.

Questions for you

What rules do you have about how you should be, others should be, the world should be?

Are they helpful?

How rigid are they?

The problem with rules

The problem really kicks in when your rule – I must be in regular contact with my friends and family is underpinned by a belief system that says this is what it means to be a good friend/sister. Then when you wake up and think ‘Shit, I still haven’t got back to my Mum’ you go straight to ‘I’m a terrible person/daughter/’ or ‘I’m useless.’ These are summative global judgements on who we are.

When these rules are in place it gives you a ticket to self-flagellation when you don’t live up to them. Not only that it rarely motivates you to do the thing.

Question: What behaviours lead you to make judgements about your whole self (or of others)?

Preferences leave us intact

I’m not saying you can’t have expectations of yourself and others. That would be a nonsense. But look at the difference between having a rule and having a preference.

Rule: I should show up on Instagram every day. Underlying belief: This is what people who are serious about their business do. When I don’t do it then I feel awful, that I’m pretending at running a business and tell myself I’m not good enough. One tiny rule is a quick path to I’m not good enough.

VS

Preference: I’d like to show up on Instagram every day BUT if I don’t that’s okay. Here I’m left intact. Whether I show up on Instagram or not I’m still good enough. Because – what I DO has nothing to do with my value as a human being.

You do not need to be better you just might want to behave slightly differently

I bloody hate this bullshit around being a better version of ourselves. It implies that who you are right now isn’t good enough. And how can you ever accept the beautifulness of you if this is what you subscribe to. And it’s not your fault. It’s everywhere. Shit I’ve been a part of the problem too.

But as individuals who want to learn and grow you may reflect and want to improve what you do and how you behave. Perhaps after a conversation with a friend you may think ‘I would like to behave more kindly next time I chat to her.’ You may agree that you’d like to deliver a presentation with more confidence. You may decide that you want to exercise more regularly. They may contribute to you having better relationships, promotion opportunities, a longer healthier life but none of these alters who you are at your core.

There is a golden rule with all of this that I think is super helpful and it’s straight out of parenting books:

Judge the behaviour not the person.

If you accept yourself unconditionally there are no rules that you need to follow to be worthy – self-esteem is derived from worthiness. That’s not what acceptance is.

I like to picture our core being having an invisible protective shield around us. Our thoughts, behaviours and emotions bounce off them and interact with our inner world of experiences and the outside world. Our core self looks on calmly watching it all play out. It just is. And that’s all we need to be. There is so much freedom accepting this. Or at least I’ve found that. I hope you do too.

Resources on acceptance of self
Untethered Soul by Michael Singer – an awesome book that answers the question ‘Who are we?

Exercises to help with self acceptance

Albert Ellis himself talking about acceptance