Give up the good fight
Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Remember that?
I was in a session with a client who works for a well known global brand. She competed against loads of other people to land a really prestigious role working with the exec. Her Manager told her she’s the most talented individual he’d ever come across. Yet - you know what’s coming - she’s plagued with constant self doubt.
Early in her career someone told her that a piece of work she produced was ‘woefully inadequate.’ That comment fired a drive in her to get everything ‘right’ so that she didn’t have to feel that shame of not being good enough. But yet, those words, despite everything she’s achieved have morphed into a tirade of ‘That’s rubbish’, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ ‘I can’t do this.’
If you break a bone you can go to A&E and get it fixed
But words carelessly launched take up permanent lodgings in your brain and there’s no surgeon available to take it out.
The voice wants constant feeding
Nothing you achieve or feedback you receive is ever going to make the voice go away. That bugger is always ready to megaphone the hell out of all that.
You can write it a letter to show you how insane it sounds.
Or maybe you name it after that girl at school who made you feel like a little mouse.
You can repeat affirmations/mantras to talk it away.
You can meditate, medicate, mess around in the gym but does any of this stuff work?
No, the voice is still there. And every time you try to battle it the voice just gets louder.
You need to stop the struggle
The more you struggle against the voice the louder it will get because it wants to be heard and acted upon to keep you safe. Because, at some point in your life it worked. It drove you to work harder to make sure you got everything absolutely bloody perfect.
But what is it actually?
That voice is just a collection of words. Words on a mental page. A mele of letters.
You my loves can release the grip they have on you and see those words for what they are - just a relic from your past.
One small thing that you can do
When you catch the voice taking hold go through these 3 steps:
Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings – Say to yourself ‘I notice I’m having a thought that [I’m not good enough]’ or I’m noticing a feeling of shame in my stomach.
I’m noticing I’m having the thought that ‘I’m not good enough,’ is very different from saying ‘I’m not good enough.’ You become an observer rather than attaching your identity to the thought.
Connect with your body – whilst you’re doing the above connect with your body. You can do this by pressing your hands together, pushing your feet into the floor, straightening yourself in your chair or taking a few breaths.
Getting out of your head and into your body is critical to disengaging from critical thoughts.
Engage in what you’re doing – really look at the computer screen in front of you, notice 5 things that you see, 4 things you hear.
Bringing yourself into the present moment helps to stop fruitless worry and rumination.
Spend 15 seconds for each stage and run through four times finishing with reengaging with what you were doing.
This isn’t a quick fix but with practice you can take the sting out of those words and invite more joy into your day to day lived experiences. Remember the purpose isn’t to stop the voice or to smother it but to give it the nod and let it pass so that you can get on with living your life. Rather than being dragged down a terrible thought tunnel.