Feedback isn't always a gift

I see too many women take on other people’s views of them as truths and so become the feedback they’re given. We need to learn that not all feedback is a gift.

When is feedback not a gift?

I had a client who’d received 360 feedback from their boss that said they needed to be less emotional when receiving feedback.  Just take a second here and think about this. In their feedback, their feedback was on how they should receive feedback. It triggered me. My first thought was ‘seriously fuck off.’

Now there are so many elements of this that make me livid (the client was female and the boss was male) but it draws our attention to what I think is a really damaging trend – to be perceived as an evolved human being, a forward thinking awesome colleague you should be bathing in showers of feedback soaking it all up. With a fucking smile on your face. No matter what that feedback is.

This assumes that the person delivering the feedback knows how to do it, has the right intentions and is accurate. And often that’s just not the case.  The driver of feedback in the workplace should be to highlight a behaviour that they believe needs to be adjusted for the benefit of the individual and the organisation. But often it’s someone’s subjective view on how they believe people should be – it’s an expression of their own belief system.

My question to my client was ‘Do you think you’re too emotional?’

When you get feedback take some time to mull it over. Give yourself some space.

If you don’t agree with it or are uncertain about it ask someone else’s opinion.

Think about the person giving the feedback.  Who are they? How do they like to work? Is this more about them?

What’s the intention of the person giving you feedback?  Do you trust them?

Now what do I do with it?

Feedback can be really useful. It can give you the motivation to work on behaviour that’s getting in your way. But it needs to be followed up with a discussion on how to address it. And the how is often not just down to you.

Take the classic ‘You need to be more confident.’ This feedback needs breaking down. What do they really mean by this? What are you not doing that is leading to this conclusion? Better feedback might be ‘I’d like you to express your view more in meetings.’ That can then be followed up by a discussion on what’s stopping you from doing this? It could be that you are frightened of expressing a view because you don’t want people to think you’re stupid. Or it could be that the meetings are dominated by an individual that makes it difficult for you.

Both scenarios involve an examination of the meeting/team/organisational culture in addition to what you can do.

If you receive generalised feedback ask for specific examples and what they would like to see from you instead (and why)

Ask for time to reflect and book in a time to discuss further

If you need support ask for it. You might phrase it like ‘In order for me to do X, this is the support that I need from you…..’

I see too many women take on other people’s views of them as truths. You know you. If feedback feels shit it probably is.